I have to write this. Every now and then I have to remind people about her and the immense love I have for her still.
What brought this about was we as a group were going to see a show that one of our group mates is in, and I wanted to see it and get to know everyone better, but one of the people going, well I just don't like him. I don't like him because in front of a group of 20 strangers he put his wife down, and continued to put her down for the next few weeks. He has stopped, but I haven't forgotten, and truthfully I don't want to meet her right now. But that got me to thinking about all the negative things that I have said about my life, and for most of the people out there they know that I love my family my house and my life. But frustration does creep up and you speak those frustrations or think them and then you can never take them back, even if other people understand where your coming from.
At the end of Tyr's life she was in a bad way. She couldn't walk, she couldn't stand, couldn't smell and in the end she couldn't see. There were times that I would wish she just wouldn't wake up. I did not want to choose how and when she died, I wanted her to choose that. And I felt as I was betraying her wishing that she would die and take the burden off of me. I would lie in bed with my arms wrapped around her and try not to cry for fear that she would get upset that I was upset. But I was too selfish and the tears came. I would hold her and ask the universe god medicine magic to give her back her health. I offered up some of my life force just to give her another healthy eight years. I would gladly give her eight years of my life if I could have. I wanted some magic to work, to give me my puppy back.
But people ask me in those times do I wish I had put her down *killed* her earlier? Never. Even those last minutes with her were a little piece of heaven. She was the embodiment of love. Never have I felt so loved, so wanted, so protected then when I was with her. And in the end she let me know she needed me, and that is the greatest gift she could give me. She let me take care of her with dignity and grace that you don't see in to many people, let alone canines. She would always be there to lick away my tears, she felt my sadness and she tried to shield me from it.
I wish I could have given her as great a life as she gave me. I feel I short changed her, and I wish I could give her all happy memories. All good all the time, because that is what she was.
I miss her.
What brought this about was we as a group were going to see a show that one of our group mates is in, and I wanted to see it and get to know everyone better, but one of the people going, well I just don't like him. I don't like him because in front of a group of 20 strangers he put his wife down, and continued to put her down for the next few weeks. He has stopped, but I haven't forgotten, and truthfully I don't want to meet her right now. But that got me to thinking about all the negative things that I have said about my life, and for most of the people out there they know that I love my family my house and my life. But frustration does creep up and you speak those frustrations or think them and then you can never take them back, even if other people understand where your coming from.
At the end of Tyr's life she was in a bad way. She couldn't walk, she couldn't stand, couldn't smell and in the end she couldn't see. There were times that I would wish she just wouldn't wake up. I did not want to choose how and when she died, I wanted her to choose that. And I felt as I was betraying her wishing that she would die and take the burden off of me. I would lie in bed with my arms wrapped around her and try not to cry for fear that she would get upset that I was upset. But I was too selfish and the tears came. I would hold her and ask the universe god medicine magic to give her back her health. I offered up some of my life force just to give her another healthy eight years. I would gladly give her eight years of my life if I could have. I wanted some magic to work, to give me my puppy back.
But people ask me in those times do I wish I had put her down *killed* her earlier? Never. Even those last minutes with her were a little piece of heaven. She was the embodiment of love. Never have I felt so loved, so wanted, so protected then when I was with her. And in the end she let me know she needed me, and that is the greatest gift she could give me. She let me take care of her with dignity and grace that you don't see in to many people, let alone canines. She would always be there to lick away my tears, she felt my sadness and she tried to shield me from it.
I wish I could have given her as great a life as she gave me. I feel I short changed her, and I wish I could give her all happy memories. All good all the time, because that is what she was.
I miss her.
I miss her too - you gave her a great life & she was incredibly happy. Yes, the last few years were tough (brain tumor, radiation, surgery, later partial paralysis), but we shared it together.
ReplyDeleteTyr had a full life & enriched ours enormously. We also gave her our hearts and provided all the support, medical & otherwise, that she possibly could have wished for. It would have been nice had she been able to use the "doggy wheelchair", but I don't think she thought that was dignified enough.
She was our love & we were hers - her memory will be with us always.
Tyr was born on 6 July, a "triple birthday" - Tyr, Tanya's dad, Sles, and T3's sister, Trina. She came home with us on 8/25/1991, on the birthday of T3's sister, Twila. She died in our arms on 8/8/2005 leaving a loss that will always be with us but also with many warm & loving memories which will always be there too.
ReplyDeleteI need to close with one of them. Tyr was outside the car & wasn't coming as quickly as she should have. T3 told me to roll down the windows, start the car & start driving - well, I got about 15 feet when a 100+ pound German Shepherd came diving through the window. She was NOT going to leave us and, even though we probably traumatized her for life, she always went the the car ASAP when we went out.
T3 - great blog post and, for our friends who know us, they'll know how hard it was for you to right. Hard to be believe she's been gone seven years. Whitemop has been gone for one year, but we're lucky to have Taya (now almost 7) & Tolar Bear (now 10 months) in our lives.
My double post was hard to write - I miss Tyr & Whitemop plus RK/Arekay & Munju - pets are forever!